Clouded eyes
by mjHOPE94
Summary: Never had James Tiberius Kirk been more frightened in all his life, staring into his hateful lover's eyes.
1. the end?

**_Ahhhh i fail at chekov's accent.... sorry () but please review, tell me if i should continue and some constructive critisim would be nice. but if you just want to flame the pairing, please, walk away... on to the story!_**

**_~mjHOPE94_**

Ch.1 The End?

Jim had just re-entered the U.S.S. Enterprise after a shore leave. Shoving his dark thoughts away, he walked on to the bridge, greeting everyone with a smile and asking how their time off was. It was then he knew something was wrong.

Spock had not told him how late he was.

Captain Kirk looked around for his pointy-eared lover and was surprised to see him working diligently, almost angrily, as he scanned data and punched a few buttons with force that was unnecessary. Of course only Jim could see this. And could feel the anger drifting slightly through their mental bond. His refusal to acknowledge Jim's presence was also strange.

Jim walked over to Spock's station and said, very carefully, "Hello Spock." When Spock turned around to face his captain his face was a steel mask, devoid of any emotion.

Spock carefully replied, "Greetings, Captain Kirk, are illogical and unnecessary, we all have seen that you are already here and thus announcements of arrival are not needed." Spock turned back around to face what he had been looking over leaving Jim was slightly astounded, Spock hadn't been this cold to him since before the Nero incident.

*

"Spock, may I speak to you in private?" Kirk asked after their shift had ended. Spock turned to face his captain, one eyebrow raised. But he stood and followed Jim out of the bridge, as he had many times before to play chess in Jim's quarters.

Kirk stopped in a secluded hallway, so they could have some means of privacy. "What's wrong Spock?" Jim began, "I can tell something is up with you, even if you don't want to admit it." When Spock backed Jim into the wall, Jim thought that it had been an attempt to ward off physical desire that had caused his rude attitude towards him on the bridge. But when Jim looked into Spock's eyes, he did not see the lust or love he had expected. In its place was pure, unadulterated hate. He had not seen that hate since the Nero incident during their fight on the bridge. Jim could feel the hurt and anger flow through their bond. He tried to bring his hands up to Spock's cheek, concern in his own blue eyes, when his hand was stopped by a growl that resounded from Spock.

Never had James Tiberius Kirk been more frightened in all his life, staring into his hateful lover's eyes. The growl became words and Jim's horror grew even more.

"You were with another, t'hy'la, I could feel it. I COULD FEEL IT," he yelled, "And you never once thought of what your actions meant for me, for us. You cannot imagine the pain a Vulcan is in when they are double-crossed by their mate. I can no-longer call you my lover." Spock's voice was full of venom, his eyes blazing in the fury of fire.

His body still pressed harshly against the wall, Jim felt his eyes begin to water as the finality of Spock's words set in. He began to protest, "Spock listen I-"Jim was cut off by a roar from Spock that echoed dreadfully along the small corridor.

"I will not listen," Spock spat at him, "you had your chance to come and explain, but you never did. So now I have come to the conclusion that you will never be able to hold a relationship to the Vulcan standard."

Once more Kirk yelled out for Spock to listen, but it fell on deaf ears. Spock took his hand and pressed harshly against Jim's psi points. The blonde struggled as much he could, but the Vulcan overwhelmed him. When Spock's fingers were directly in place, he delved into Jim's mind. His own mind travelled quickly through the mass of human emotions and thoughts, too quickly for many to be recognized. But he did notice his own face several times. When he had gone deep enough, farther than he had ever dared to go, all the while James had been begging, 'please, stop!' . Spock did not.

And James realized what was to happen only a moment before Spock had done it. He let out a final strangled scream of, "NO!" before Spock brutally ripped his fingers away from Jim, destroying their bond, and some of Jim's mind.

Jim crumpled to the floor at Spock's feet; his eyes clouding into murky pools of grey as a single tear trailed down his now cold cheek.

And Spock walked away, never looking back.

*

Chekov was taking a walk around the Enterprise, it was late and he couldn't sleep. He did this to calm his self, but it proved to be more stressful than if he had not. Then again, if he hadn't, who knows when the captain would have been found?

Chekov was heading back to his quarters when he decided to take a short-cut he'd discovered two weeks ago. It was a dark, secluded, and small corridor where it was always quiet. You could rant and scream all you wanted, and no one would hear a peep. Not many knew about it so he was surprised when he saw a figure leaning against a wall. When he came closer he realized it was Kirk and called out a soft, "keptain!" When he did not answer Pavel simply thought him asleep. 'A funny place to sleep, no?' he joked to himself. But as he grew ever closer to his commanding officer, the more strange it got and the less funny. Jim was in an awkward position that would not have led to deep sleep. His head was leaning on his left shoulder, turned away from Pavel, and one leg was folded under him in a way that did not look at all comfortable at all. Jim should have been roused by ensign's call.

But when Chekov reached Jim he was not greeted by closed eyes and steady breathing, instead he found clouded and glassy eyes of grey and breath that was barely there.

"Dr. McCwy!" Chekov yelled into his communicator, waking Bones from a drunken sleep. But he sobered up rather quickly when Chekov continued, "I am vith zee keptin! An' he needs midcawl attention vite avay!"


	2. Welcome to your nightmare

**Okay so chapter 2... i'm kind of hesitant to post this but i hope you all like it... there was more to this, but it wasn't finished, and i decided that you guys deserved something for all the great reviews you gave me.... enjoy!**

**ps i don't own! (snifflesnifflesobsob)**

Welcome to your nightmare

_72 hours earlier_

The sun was barely on the horizon when Jim road away from the Starfleet landing base on his motorcycle, already having told Spock that he wanted to visit his mother. He enjoyed early morning rides on his bike, it was relaxing and surreal, the stars and moon still in the sky, yet the sun in all it's glory steadily rising. Jim felt his face morph into a smile underneath his helmet. He loved the morning.

Jim had been very excited when he got an invitation from his mom to come visit during his next shore-leave. She had something very important to tell him- something she wanted to say face to face. Jim hated to admit it, but he was very curious. What could his mom have to say that they couldn't talk about on his personal teleconference screen?

The last time they had talked was about a month ago, to Jim's embarrassment. He knew he should keep in better touch with her. Last time, they had talked about his mom's ex, Gaven who had been around when Jim was a kid. Gaven had abused his mom, his brother, and Jim in ways they would never admit. Eventually his mom had worked up the courage to divorce him, once she realized she wasn't the only one being hurt. Now he wanted her back, told her he had changed, was sorry for what he had done to them. When she wouldn't take him back he began harassing her, calling her at all hours, and following her through the town. When she had told Jim of all this, she had looked out a window only to see him standing there, in the lawn, staring at the house. Jim was outraged, and being a high ranking captain of Starfleet he had put in a personal request to have someone stay with his mom, who was still an honorary member of Starfleet, so she could be protected from Gaven.

Jim's smile faltered as he thought of Gaven, images of himself, his brother or both of them trapped underneath the huge man with the sadistic smile. Shaking his head, Jim tried to think of other things, but Gaven stayed in the back of his mind, his knowing smile and terrifying words had never left Jim, even after the many years that had past.

"_We'll play again little Jimmy" Gaven looked down at the shaking boy,"After all," he picked Jim up by the front of his shirt, staring into his eyes, that terrible smile on his face._

"_you belong to me."_

Jim shivered as he remembered Gaven fulfilling his promise, _over _and_ over_ inside of him. He tried again to shake the awful memories from his mind. It was easier on the Enterprise. He had the ship and its crew to worry about, friends to joke around with, and Spock whom he loved, to keep his mind from straying to its dark corners.

In retaliation to the dark thoughts Jim simply gritted his teeth and turned on the headphones in his helmet, letting the music blast.

Jim got home in good time, it was only eleven thirty in the morning when he cut the engine and walked up to the house. He didn't see his mom's rusty old car when he drove up so he was surprised when he found the front door unlocked.

He chuckled softly to himself, "Only you mom…" he muttered. He didn't notice the scratches on the lock that warned of it being tampered with.

"Mom?" he questioned. Perhaps she had moved her car into the barn and that's why he hadn't seen it. But when he looked around, the house seemed deserted. It was dark despite the sun being fairly high in the sky by then. The normally bright walls were muted and all the shades had been drawn.

He checked the whole house for any sign of where his mom may be. Finally he checked the study, one of the least likely places for Jim to find anything. It had been his father's before Gaven came and overtook it. Because of the two very different men who had inhabited it Jim's mom had a tendency to avoid that certain room. But he remembered his mom talking of how she was going to refurnish it, make it dad's study again. She had kept Jim updated on the project, and when he opened the doors to the room he saw that it was a near perfect restoration of his father's study to what he could remember. Jim smiled as he looked around, until he heard a soft _click _behind him.

Jim spun around on his heels only to come face to face with one he had feared for most all his life. Gaven.

"Well, hi little Jimmy," The huge man sneered down at Jim, his voice sickeningly sweet, "I've been waiting for someone to come home." Jim began backing up, reaching for his phaser, ready to stun the man and have him arrested, realizing, too late, that he had forgotten his phaser on the Enterprise. Gaven smirked at this and began advancing towards Jim, forcing him to retreat farther into the room.

The large man's smile became even wider as Jim backed into the desk. Gaven put his hands on the desk on either side of Jim, effectively trapping him.

"I've missed playing with you Jimmy" his voice husky as he leaned down to steal a kiss from Jim.

"Get away from me!" Jim yelled as he broke away from Gaven's hold. But Gaven had other ideas. He clamped down on Jim's wrist and pulled him back into his arms. Now chest to chest Jim had to look almost straight up to see Gaven.

Jim steeled his eyes and in the strongest voice he could muster said, "By Starfleet law, I command you to release me." Yet he still heard the faintest crack in his voice. Gaven herd it as well.

"Oh?" Gaven pretended to be frightened, "By Starfleet law?" He slammed Jim against the wall, his eyes burning hotter than fire. "Do you think I give a **damn** about the law?" he leaned in, his breath ghosted against Jim's skin as he whispered, "I've broke it too many times to count, just as I broke you." Gaven pressed his rough lips to the skin behind Jim's ear. And Jim began to tremble.

Spock was on the Enterprise helping with small repairs and restocking when he was hit by a vision.

His hands- no, Jim's hands- gripped the front of a shirt, his knuckles white.

Then it was gone. 'Curious.' Spock thought, 'Jim must be trying to sway me…' a small smile graced Spock's face, but the only one who would be able to see it was gone.

"Gaven, s-stop… please!" Jim yelled as he clung to the larger man's shirt. Gaven simply chuckled darkly and continued to nip at his neck. It was then that he saw it.

"What is that?" he growled, staring at the love bite Spock had given him last night. When Jim didn't answer Gaven pulled his face closer to his and stared at him with angry eyes. Then he began to laugh. Jim stared at him in shock and fear.

"You've gone off to space and gotten yourself a little girl friend eh?" he asked, fingering the mark on Jim's skin. Jim blushed, looking away. "Or," Gaven mused, "a little boy friend, hmmm?" Jim's head snapped back to stare at Gaven. "Oh, definitely a boy friend." Then his eyes became steely and rage overtook them again. "You are going to wish you never met him. Because you seem to need a reminder..."

"You. Belong. To me."

Spock was walking down a hall as another vision took him.

Jim's breathing hitched, his mind blank as hands traveled up his chest, underneath his shirt.

Spock could feel the slightest twinge of green on the tips of his ears. He wondered if Jim was doing this purposely, it wouldn't surprise him. They had been talking about having sex before, albeit awkwardly, but they had never gone all the way. Jim often tried to get a rise out of Spock.

Jim could feel the man in front of him, could smell the alcohol on his breath, and could feel the hands on his skin, but he could not process what was going to happen. Until that dreadful sound. When he heard the ripping of his shirt it clicked. It always began with ripping. He was going to be raped.

"No… not again." He whimpered, "NO!" Jim yelled as Gaven's mouth hooked on to his unclothed chest. Jim's head thrashed from side to side, but his body was held firm against the wall by Gaven's massive hands. Tears threatened to fall from his eyes.

"You know what?" Gaven whispered as he licked the shell of Jim's ear. "I want something new…" he trailed off, but then picked up Jim like he was a twig and folded him over his shoulder. Jim started to squirm, pounding Gaven's back with his fists and kicking his chest with his Starfleet regulation boots.

The flailing stopped when Jim was thrown down. He could tell he wasn't on the floor, impact with the floor would have hurt more, but when he opened his eyes he didn't expect to come face to face with the cherry oak of his father's desk. Gaven climbed up on top of him before he could escape.

Jim looked up at Gaven, fear in his cerulean blue eyes.

"I'm gonna take you right here," Gaven smirked, "on your daddy's desk. And your gonna tell me who you belong to." Jim felt a hand slither down his torso, fingers lightly tracing the hem of Jim's pants.

Jim closed his eyes.

And the nightmare truely began.

**AN: sooooooooo, how was it? review worthy? please tell me!**

**hugs**

**~mj**


	3. cry

**I am soooooooooooooo ooooooooooooooo ooo sorry for the long wait! i've been uber busy with studying for my end of the year exams. T^T**

**but after school is over, i hope to update way more! keep reviewing please! it makes me happy!(even though this story is very angst right now....srry)**

**Anyways, enjoy! **

**~mj!**

cry

Jim darted for the door as Gaven was pulling down his pants. But when he was half way across the room, he felt an arm encircle him and the cold of metal against his skin. Jim instantly froze, his eyes widening.

No. Not the knife.

Gaven was angry now. His next words were more of a growl than anything.

"I will never let you go and you will never forget that. You will _always_ be _mine_." Jim felt the sear of pain across his abdomen as Gaven pressed the knife into his skin. He glanced down to see red beads of blood forming and shuddered.

"Now," Gaven spoke, his voice soft as he pulled down Jim's pants. "Who do you belong to?" his breath ghosted over Jim's neck.

"Not you." Jim bit back through gritted teeth. Gaven pressed the knife harder into Jim. An agonized breath slipped passed his lips. He felt a hand trailing down his front and slip into his boxers, grabbing his member. It was sickening.

When he received no response Gaven threw Jim back towards the desk, eliciting a yelp from Jim as his head hit the corner with a sharp smack. Jim scrambled to get up and get away, but the injury to his head slowed him down. Gaven easily grabbed him and hauled him up onto the desk. Jim tried to push Gaven away as he climbed on top of him, but even after all the years that had gone by, Gaven was still stronger than Jim. Gaven clamped down on the hands that tried to push him away, quickly and easily shoving them away. As he leaned in Jim closed eyes. He heard soft pop but soon forgot as Gaven's lips brutally claimed his.

Jim tried to keep his mouth firmly shut- there was no way he was going to let Gaven think he enjoyed any of this- but when he felt the blade swipe at the skin above his heat he let out a startled gasp, and Gaven's mouth invaded his.

When Gaven's tongue pushed into his mouth there was something on it, and Jim instinctively swallowed. Alarm coursed through him as he felt it move down his throat.

"What the hell did you give me?" Jim yelled when Gaven broke the kiss.

Gaven smirked, "Oh just a little concoction of mine to get you hot." Jim's eyes widened as he began to feel the affects of the drug even then.

Gaven's lips were rough and hit teeth were sharp. He practically devoured Jim, whose mind was becoming slightly hazy and whose body was becoming compliant. Gaven leaned back, examining his prey. He brought his knife back to Jim's chest, enjoying the small, sharp intake of breath from him. And he smiled, that sickening smile, as he watched the line of crimson red trail after the knife in long, terribly graceful sweeps. He leaned down and licked at the slices, pulling a small whimper from Jim.

Spock was now doing paperwork as another vision hit him.

Jim was lying down as a figured loomed over him. The figure leaned down, pressing his lips to Jim's. Jim let out a surprised 'mph!' as the figure stuck his tongue into his mouth. When the figure leaned away Spock could see the smirk on his face, nothing else. It leaned back down and lightly trailed his lips down Jim's neck and chest. He stopped at Jim's left nipple and gave it a long, rough lick.

Jim gasped and arched his back.

Spock left the vision with slight… apprehension. Was Jim…? No. Not Jim. Spock went back to his paperwork.

'NO!' Jim thought as Gaven crawled up and down his body. But his arms couldn't move and his legs wouldn't kick. And Gaven's touches felt like fire and his body reacted accordingly, though against Jim's wishes.

"ngh-n-no." Jim was able to breathe out. Gaven's hands were on the rim of his boxers, ever so lightly caressing the skin. The monster- for to Jim that is what he always would be- looked him straight in the eye as he pulled down the boxers, trailing his fingers down bare flesh. Jim shivered as the cool air passed by his exposed body.

He wanted to scream and kick and push Gaven away, but he couldn't. He wanted to, he needed to, but he just laid there. His body just wouldn't.

It was then Jim realized tears were slipping down his face.

Spock was staring at his paperwork, not really seeing the words. He was thinking of the visions. The more he thought about it the more… uneasy, he became.

He and Jim were both new to bonding, but never had so many visions come to Spock in such a short time period. And Jim still had little control over their mental connection; he could not have sent them to Spock knowingly. Did that mean….? No. Jim would never do that. But then he was hit with another vision, and it became clear it was not just another fantasy of Jim's.

The man was hovering over Jim's bare hips.

Spock was admittedly shocked. It was still too dark to see the man, but Spock prayed this was some daydream of Jims and it was himself hovering over Jim. It continued.

The figure smirked once more and lowered his head, taking Jim in his mouth.

Jim gasped and out slipped that hateful word, "_G-gaven"._

When it stopped Spock found his fist clenched so tightly that his nails were cutting into his skin. Spock barely registered that this feeling, this emotion- that he couldn't help but feel- was undeniable, uncontrollable, fury.

Yes Jim _could_ do that, yes Jim _would _do that, Spock realized. And even though he knew it was illogical to hate a word, he couldn't help but hate the word that had shattered his world.

Jim had never understood Vulcan custom, what was Spock thinking when he bonded with Jim? How could a being like James Kirk possibly be faithful to only Spock? It had been a mistake. And now Spock was going to pay for it, as he watched the only one he loved, betray him.

Jim hated himself for stuttering out that monster's name, but the feelings were too much, and he wanted it all just to stop. He remembered when he had thought of ending it when he drove dad's car off the cliff. For a second, a blissful second, the promise of an end to _this_ was worth anything, even his own life. But he had become scared and jumped out of the car. There was punishment after that, terrible punishment, and now it was happening again.

Jim was scared, he had always been scared. He hadn't made love with Spock because he was so scared. Scared of the terrible pain that Gaven left him with as a child. The pain he was about to receive again.

"Aaaaaaaaaaaagghh!" Jim screamed as Gaven penetrated him ruthlessly, causing the delicate flesh to rip. Gaven's thrusts were deep and unimaginably hard and excruciatingly fast. Yet Jim could feel his member ready to burst with come. It was disgraceful. Jim hated himself for the drug-induced reaction.

Gaven found Jim's prostate and rammed into it over and over, causing Jim to see spots. As the pleasure grew, so did Jim's self-loathing. Suddenly Gaven grabbed Jim's member, roughly gripping and stroking it. Tears were streaming down Jim's face and Gaven took his other hand and forced Jim to look at him.

Gaven growled out, "Now, who do you belong to?" He stared down into the cerulean eyes and snapped his hips forwards again. Jim came into Gaven's hand.

"You!" Jim yelled in defeat, "I belong to you!"

"_Now, who do you belong to?"_

There was a feeling of immense pleasure as the man 'Gaven' snapped his hips forwards.

"_You! I belong to you!" _Jim yelled.

The intense heat of rage Spock felt was dangerous. With each thrust Jim felt, the more Spock felt his soul being ripped out, and his anger grew. Yet Spock sat, and endured all of it. With only his jaw clenched and nails cutting into his skin from his tightly gripped fist to show anything was wrong.

Besides, the only one who would notice that or the tightness in his eyes was the one who had betrayed him, cast him aside. Never, not even during the Nero crisis, had he felt this terrible fury.

Finally, Jim was alone. Gaven had done it so many times, he could barely move at all. His body convulsed with sobs as he lay on his father's desk. His father's desk. That bastard raped him on his own father's desk. Jim felt like he was gonna be sick. How could he have let this happen again?

He very slowly got up, his head was spinning and he hadn't felt so filthy in years. He said it; he couldn't believe he said it. _"You! I belong to you!" _Jim was disgusted with himself. He attempted to stand up, but his legs shook, and his knees gave out, sending Jim to the cold floor. He gritted his teeth and pounded his fist to the floor and the shuddering sobs started again.


	4. empty hearts and eyes

**okay, we all agree that i am terrible at updating, okay? good. now that that's done... thankyou for all you wonderful reviews! without your support i'm not sure if this story would have gotten this far!**

**and if anyone's confuzzled... this is the real ch4 of Clouded Eyes. TheTrekkieGirl did a tremendous job in making her own ending to this story, but that doesn't mean it's the official one. but a round of applause for her for a job well done please! (*claps ridiculously*) **

**also, most of this was written before she posted her's, so i'm not trying to rip off her ideas. I just had to edit and fix things, which took me an unexpected ton of time.**

**so again, sorry this is sooooooooooooooooooooo late, but to make up for it, it's my longest chapter yet! on with the story! let the angst begin!**

Empty Hearts and Eyes

Jim was curled up in his old shower, letting the water cascade over him. By then the water had gone cold and he had ceased his furious scrubbing, realizing long before, that he would not feel clean again for a very long time.

He no longer had any tears left in him when he rose and turned off the water. He stepped out of the shower only to look into the mirror and barely recognize his self.

His eyes were dull and his skin looked swallow. His eyes roamed down the mirror to see the lacework of thin and thick slices up and down his abdomen, accompanied by ugly purple bruises. Jim lifted his hands, inspecting them carefully. They too were covered in bruises and he knew at least three of the fingers were broken from Gaven pushing it back, just to see how far he could force them to go.

With a sigh Jim reached inside the cabinet that hung next to the mirror. His broken fingers painfully wrapped around a bottle that had been his companion too early in life.

A bottle of make-up, concealer, to be exact, that was the perfect shade to cover Jim's bruises.

oOo_O_oOo

Jim gingerly pulled a shirt on, dabbing a small bit of extra concealer on his neck, just in case. He was leaving for the Enterprise in a bit, after having spent the remainder of his shore leave at Winona Kirk's new apartment. The address to which he had found attached to a small note from his mom after…. It… happened.

He gave himself one last once over in the mirror, seeing everything he _used _to be. But his eyes betrayed him. They weren't they same. They looked as though they were dead, as if the fire that had burned, bright and blue, had died. And truthfully, it had. But if James T. Kirk was going out there, if he was going to convince his mom, and then his entire crew after that, that he was fine, he had to put on The Mask. The mask he had created when he was young. The same time he had to start wearing the dreaded make-up. The same time he taught himself to be the best fucking actor on earth.

The same time he taught himself how to fake the life of James Tiberius Kirk.

oOo_OoO_oOo

James looked at his mother as he was about to board the shuttle that would take him to the Enterprise. She looked at him with her warm brown eyes and smiled. "Take care of yourself, darling."

"I will mom." He replied, putting on his best fake smile. "I'll send you a transmission soon." He gave her one last hug and walked away, convinced that she didn't know. But of course, she did. At least she knew he was keeping something from her. Mother's intuition, she would call it. She could see it in his eyes. It was a lurking sadness within them, just barely there. She knew she could see it only because it had once lived in her own eyes. She also knew if she said anything about it Jim would deny it and the sadness would be buried even further. So Winona simply smiled and waved as she watched her son walk away, hoping to God that it wasn't what she feared it was.

oOo_O_oOo

Jim was staring silently at the turbo lift doors across from him, now dressed in his Starfleet gold's, wondering how the hell he was going to face his crew, let alone Spock. Nerves were coursing through him like electricity. But as he felt the lift beginning to slow The Mask snapped back on, squashing his fears and he let a customary grin grow across his face. He took a deep breath as the doors opened. He forced his eyes to shine with mirth.

And he began to play his part.

oOo_O_oOo

Bones walked over quickly as some medical staff wheeled in Jim followed by Chekov who was saying, "I do not know vhat is vong vith ze keptin, Dr. McCwy! He wouldn't respond to anyzing!"

Bones looked at his captain. Jim lay on the table, his body relaxed from his state of unconsciousness. But to Bones' distress Jim's eyes were open. They were eerily clouded and grey and had a glassy quality to them that resembled death.

Bones immediately felt for a pulse on Jim's neck. He was relieved to find one, but was set on edge with how slow it had become. It seemed, after what ever had happened to Jim, that his body was starting to shut down.

"You're not quitting on me now Jim; I've worked too hard, too many times for you to just give in to what ever happened to you now." Bones spared a glance at Chekov as he was slicing off Jim's shirt; he was still standing there, looking worried and fidgeting. "Pavel, if you really want to help Jim, then go back to Sulu. You've already done enough for Jim by finding him." Bones reached for a hypo and plunged it into the captain's chest.

Chekov flinched and said a simple, "Yes Doctor" as he left.

Bones watched the heart monitor that had been hooked to Jim when he had been talking to Chekov as Jim's heart increased in speed, until it was at a normal pace. Sighing, Bones looked back down to Jim. Bones noticed little flakes littered his friend's skin and went to brush them off. The flakes peeled away and Bones felt a scowl forming on his face. The skin underneath wasn't the same. "Nurse Chapel, would you please get me a damp wash cloth?" Bones said, as he brushed at more flakes.

Chapel hurried over to the doctor, wet cloth in hand. She paused before handing it over to Bones, looking at Jim. "Is that make-up?" she questioned.

Bones looked up at her in realization, "Yeah," he looked back at Jim, "it probably is." He took the towel from Chapel's hand and began to gently wiping off Jim's chest. Slowly, large bruises and long cuts were revealed to them. Christine gasped.

'What the hell happened to you Jim?' thought Bones, a worried scowl on his face.

He moved the cloth up to Jim's collarbone. There were fewer cuts and more small dots, which were all an angry shade of red. The beginnings of a theory began to form in McCoy's mind, but he hoped it wasn't what he feared it was.

"Was the captain attacked?" Christine asked, "Could that be why he isn't responding?"

"Jim wasn't attacked on board, look at the bruising, it's faint, but you can tell its aged a few days." The doctor replied gruffly. He ran a hand through his hair, "This shit," he gestured towards Jim's battered form, "happened over shore leave."

Christine set her worried gaze on her captain's face, and shivered when she looked at his grey, clouded eyes.

Bones looked up at the distressed nurse, "Christine, "she looked at him, surprised he used her first name, "your shift is over, go back to your quarters and get some rest."

She smiled slightly, "Thank you doctor." And she slipped out of Med Bay, leaving the two best friends alone.

oOo-ooOoo-oOo

Bones was at Jim's hips when he paused, the fifth washcloth poised above the skin. The others were in a pile off to the side, blood infecting them from the terribly deep, long slashes that had been reopened from Bones wiping off make-up. With a deep breath, and a silent prayer to God almighty Bones began to wipe at Jim's hips, hoping there wasn't anything there.

To Bones' horror terribly large and dark bruises in the faint shape of large hands covered Jim's hips. He quickly looked over at Jim's hands to see bruising on the knuckles and disfigured were the angles of the fingers. It seemed a few of them were trying to mend themselves from being broken, though they were awkward and incorrect. Bones sighed, knowing he would have to re-break them and set them correctly. But before he put down Jim's hand he noticed something, more flaking around Jim's wrist.

Bones carefully removed the rest of Jim's gold command shirt and black under shirt and began to carefully wipe at his friend's wrists. It revealed bruises that encircled Jim's thin wrists. Bones could almost see the wide hands wrapped around them, constricting them, hurting them.

Bones staggered back a few steps, his fears almost confirmed. He went through the data again. Multiple lacerations to the torso and back. Deep tissue bruising to the for mentioned areas as well as the hips, wrists and possible unknown areas. A slight concussion from a blow to the head. Signs of self defense and struggle.

Bones looked at his friend lying on the table, eyes open, grey, unseeing, and cloudy. He swallowed the bile in his throat and spoke, though there was no one there to listen.

"I think Jim was raped."

oO_o_Oo

"Spock." Spock ceased meditating and picked up his communicator.

"Yes, doctor?"

"Can you come down to Med Bay… I need to show you something." Spock was puzzled by the odd tone of voice the doctor was using.

"Is my assistance required?" Spock had been in the middle of cleansing all of his thoughts of his Captain when Bones had called. His emotions were not all in check, this was most inconvenient.

"Just get down here."

In only 3.257 minutes Spock entered Med Bay. He approached the good doctor, who seemed rather tense as he led Spock over to a bed with a curtain surrounding it. Spock could hear the beep of a heart monitor as Bones stood very still for a moment, seemingly having to collect himself.

Spock broke the relative silence.

"May I ask the meaning of my presence in the Medical Bay, doctor?"

McCoy turned his head towards him, still facing the curtain. "You and Jim weren't together over shore leave, were you?" the doctor's words almost sounded threatening, and Spock stiffened at the name he now refused to say.

"No, the Captain and I were not together over our time on Earth, he wished to spend it with his mother. Though I still do not understand how this pertains-"

"Jim was raped."

There was silence.

Spock immediately dismissed the idea, destroyed all possibility of that being the case… for if he had been wrong… Spock felt a sizeable strain on his emotions already.

"Impossible, Doctor McCoy, I know that the captain was being unfaithful."

Bones finally faced Spock, fury in his eyes, "How the HELL do you _know _that Jim was cheating on you! Do you have any proof? Because **I **do!" Bones pulled out his data padd, about to read off Jim's maladies.

"**I saw it with my own eyes!" **Spock's resolve fell away, and he was not able to hold himself back as all the memories, Jim's memories, replayed in his mind. He was seething and the doctor took a step away, though he did not look frightened.

"You saw through your mental bond?" Spock only nodded. "Did you see everything? Did you see each moment Jim was with that horrible creature?" Bones ground out.

"I did not see the occurrence in it's full, though what I did see was quite enough." Spock's voice was harsh and cold, as he attempted to retain his composure.

"So you didn't see when he broke Jim's fingers, one by one." Bones' voice was dangerously soft, "So you didn't see when he _beat _Jim, until his skin was black." His voice was steadily rising, "So you didn't **see** when he **threw** Jim across the room, giving him a concussion." Bones' eyes narrowed and his voice rose even further. **"**So you didn't see when he **shredded **Jim's skin, leaving him** mangled!" **

Bones pulled back the curtain back and threw the light blanket off of the captain's form viciously. **"Now do you see?"**

There was silence as Spock stared at the person who lay in front of him. That couldn't be Jim. His eyes ran up and down the figure, who was wearing only a pair of light weight scrub bottoms, leaving the rest of his skin bare. The skin was indeed almost black looking and there was a mangled look to the cuts in the flesh, the hands were wrapped and set. Spock's gaze moved to the figure's jutting hip bone, where terribly large hand shaped bruises were. The neck was peppered with angry red marks and Spock had to force himself to look at the figure's face. He saw the bruise that bloomed over the temple. He saw familiar lips. But when Spock had finally forced himself to look at the eyes, he nearly cried out.

The eyes were open and wide, just as Jim's eyes were, but these were grey and empty, not at all like the eyes of his captain. Death and darkness swirled in the two grey orbs that looked, unseeing into space. Tear trails that lead down his face were still evident, though the eyes looked dull, and unemotional.

Emptiness. Death. Darkness.

They say eyes are the window to the soul, yet Spock dearly wishes this was not true. For he would never, ever wish this on his beloved's soul.

But yet he had. He had done this to Jim. It was his fault.

O_o_O

Bones could see the devastation in Spock's eyes as he realized, and his anger started to cool. It left sadness in its wake. It was hard for Bones to speak, but he had to tell Spock everything, it was only fair to Jim.

Bones handed Spock the padd which held the information on Jim's injuries and said, "When I did the full body scan I also found…" Bones paused, "anal tearing."

"As well a scar tissue there." Spock observed, reading the information on the screen, his voice a careful neutral tone. "That suggests that this has happened to Jim before, does it not?"

"Yes and many times at that. But why Jim would go into this comatose-like state _now_ as apposed to when it happened is confusing. I mean, it could be just a delayed reaction, but the concussion wasn't that bad." Bones spoke almost to himself.

But Spock knew why Jim lay in this state. And a terrible grief ripped through him as he looked down at his beloved. He let himself sink to his knees beside the bed and buried his face into the mattress. Spock felt tears prick at his eyes as his mental shields came tumbling down and emotions overcame him, seeming to come from deep within himself.

_Oh my dear, beloved t'hy'la, what have I done?_

**i really am evil, arn't i? (i no own!)**


	5. hollow

**Okay, I meant to have this out as a Halloween present to all of you, but that... didn't happen... sorry ^-^' but... oh well! here you go! Chapter five of 'Clouded Eyes' !**

***ps. i am from america, so i use fahrenheit... you shall see why I say this later.***

**ps.2 in my story, by now Uhura has come to see Kirk as a brother, someone who is there for her...**

**So... anyway. ENJOY!**

hollow

Spock stood up from his crouched position next to Jim's bed after a long while. He was silent as his emotionless mask reappeared, but it could not strip away the grief that shined in his eyes. Bones slowly stepped closer to the pained Vulcan. Spock did not react as Bones lightly placed a hand on his shoulder, trying to convey his feelings of sympathy and remorse.

Bones tried to conjure up helpful words, "I-"

"I know why the captain is in his current state." Spock's voice was quiet, but his words seemed to echo ominously around them in the silent Medical bay.

"…What?" Bones whispered in shock. His hand lifted sharply off Spock's shoulder. "What the hell do you know, you bastard! Why didn't you tell me!" Bones said, outraged that Spock had with-held information that could save Jim.

"I did not have this intention. I was…. Angry." Spock said grimly. Admitting his feelings and emotions was harder when it wasn't to Jim whom he was admitting.

"Hah! Not your intention yeah right…" Bones mumbled, then looked back at Spock, "Well? What are you waiting for? Tell me what the hell the matter is with Jim!"

Spock looked at the doctor after hesitating for a moment. He felt the grief well up again and he fought it back down. "When the visions had finished and I was left in my quarters I was… experiencing true anger for only the second time. The first being when the captain emotionally compromised me." Spock and Bones both remembered that well. "I do not remember much of the time in-between then and when I woke 4.26 hours later. Though many things in my quarters had been destroyed." Bones looked at Spock incredulously, not liking where this was all going. "I waited for the captain to confront me about what had occurred, believing that he would tell me promptly and end our relations. Yet when he did not come back during shore leave I understood that he would never speak with me of his affaire."

Bones felt like screaming, '_it wasn't an affaire you goddamn green blooded hobgoblin!' _but Spock held up a hand to stop him.

"I am now fully aware that it was not an affaire, doctor, yet at the time I did not." Spock lowered his head for a moment then began to speak again, "When the captain asked to see me privately previous to alpha shift today I did not expect him to talk of his actions over the course of shore-leave, yet when we were in a secluded area and the captain began to ask if there was 'something up' with myself, I felt such a _rage_ I could not control that I-." Spock paused for a moment, the horror of what he had done weighing upon him like Atlas as he held up the sky, "He begged me to cease my actions. I did not. I had my hand upon his mind receptors." Spock lifted his hand level to where Jim's face would be. As if reliving it all in his minds eye. "I passed through his mental barriers and went deep into the captain's mind. I traveled to the place where the soul resides. And I destroyed our bond." Spock's hand pulled away sharply from where Bones could almost picture Jim standing.

Spock continued, but all Bones could hear was "Jim –falling – turned – meditating – call…" And he could just picture it all, as if it were happening in front of him. Jim's lifeless body sinking down to the floor, turning cold as Spock stalking away, jealousy and anger still in his eyes, his gait stiff. A single tear would roll down Jim's cheek, as his eyes turned into those loathsome grey pools. And all because Jim had been raped. How the hell does someone like Jim deserve all of this?

"… I did not mean to physically harm the captain in any way."

"You didn't want to hurt Jim physically, but you wanted to hurt him mentally, emotionally. Well I say you've done a damn good job at it." Bones growled, breaking out of his revelry.

"That was also not my intention. I only wanted to alleviate the captain and myself of our bond." Spock tried to deny what both he and the doctor knew to be true. And McCoy called him on it.

"Oh alleviate my ass. You were angry and jealous and just wanted to take it out on Jim." Bones sneered at Spock. "You wanted him to feel the pain that you felt and so in your blinding rage you pulled too hard on his mind and now look at him!" Bones flung his arm out, gesturing to Jim.

He paused, arm still extended, trying to calm himself. His arm slowly dropped down. When he spoke again his words were a deep growl and dripped with the accent he couldn't hold back any longer. He pointed at Spock. "If you know anything that can help Jim, so help me God, you'd better tell me what it is right now." His eyes stared furiously into Spock's own.

Spock hesitated only a moment, knowing what he must do. "I am not certain, but I believe that I must go within the cap-"Spock paused and finally said his victim's name. "I must go within James' mind and draw him out from his subconscious. Yet this method may be dangerous. James' mind may try to withdraw from my own, because of the damage that I have already brought upon him."

The doctor thought of the potential dangers, yet he also knew that if his friend stayed in his comatose state for much longer then he may never come out.

"Damn it." Bones stated. It was a terrible risk but it was their only option. If they wanted any chance of Jim not turning into a comatose vegetable then he would have to take a leap of faith with Spock, and pray that he could bring Jim back to them.

Bones covered his face with his hands in frustration. Then he glanced down at his best friend. He seemed so small. All the grandeur and seemingly endless vitality Jim had possessed was gone and what was left made him look so fragile and small in comparison. Jim's body was a shell his soul had left behind.

oO_oOo_Oo

To Bones it felt dark.

In the time Jim hadn't been with them it felt dark. It felt dark on a ship filled with clinical florescent and pulsing neon lights. It felt dark as if a great cloud had descended and blocked out the light from their sun, Jim. It felt dark when Bones looked at Jim's lifeless form. He closed his eyes for a moment, already knowing the light still wouldn't be there when they opened again.

To Sulu it felt cold.

When Pasha had returned and told him, Hikaru felt cold. Now holding his weeping lover in his arms, he could feel the younger's body heat, but it still felt cold. It felt cold in a room that never dropped below 72 degrees*. His blood had seemed to freeze and tears welled in the corners of his eyes. No. he had to be strong. For Pasha… But it was so cold.

To Uhura it felt frightening.

When Uhura heard the news from Hikaru everything suddenly seemed much more frightening. She felt like a little girl, lost and alone, without her 'big brother', Jim, to tell her everything was going to be all right. It was truly frightening to feel so small in such deep, dark, space… without his reassuring smile. What if she never saw it again? Nyota curled up on her bed and thought of that frightening prospect.

To Scotty it felt quiet.

Scotty closed his communicator, after listening to Hikaru tell him how Chekov had found Jim. He sat down immediately, right in the middle of engineering, the quiet shock screaming in his ears. The roar of the machines around him faded out and all became quiet. Jim had been an all-up-in-your-face kind of guy. His voice was loud and demanded attention from all. It now had been silenced, and Scotty was left in the deafening quiet.

To Spock it felt empty.

Jim had been Spock's everything. He filled up Spock's life aboard the Enterprise with his warmth and his smile, his strange illogical chess games, and his friendship… which had turned to true caring, and then love. Love. Spock Loved Jim. And Jim had loved him as well. Looking down at the terribly hollow eyes of grey Spock felt impending darkness all around him, without Jim to shine a light. He felt the cold seep into his very core, without Jim's smile to keep him warm. He felt frightened of the universe, without Jim beside him to help face the terrors there. He felt the silence pierce him, without Jim to fill it with his laughter. _He felt everything. _

And yet, he felt nothing at all. There was only emptiness, as vast and as deep as space.

oO_oOo_Oo

"Do it."

There was a long pause.

"Are you certain?"

"...Just bring Jimmy back to us."

"Yes, doctor."

Spock stepped forward to his lover's bedside, took one last look at his beloved's face, and pressed his hand to Jim's temple.


	6. the shadows

**Oh my goodnes... i just got done with this chapter and... wow... i can't believe how hard it was to write. Hope you think it's okay for waiting as long as you all have. And thanks to everyone once again for all of your kind words of encouragement! they are all much apreciated. Okay, enough of my yapping... **

The Shadows

Spock took in his surroundings, seeing only a grey expanse of nothing. The bareness about the unending plain unnerved Spock. Pain seemed like a part of existence in this field, it crashed into him in waves like ghosts; cold cutting through him like ice.

The pain and sadness that covered the desolate land was daunting.

He watched the snow swirl past as he stared into the mist, looking, looking for anything that might lead him somewhere. As the fog fell around him, enclosed him, he felt almost claustrophobic. But he was aware of the vast desolate, empty plain of ice that seemed to stretch for miles as well. Spock felt as if walls were crushing in on him and felt the open nothingness of being utterly alone all at once.

Jim's bright and wild mind had literally turned in to an icy tundra.

Because of him.

Spock's essence, his form, gave off a deep blue glow. Seeing it, he was reminded of a better time, after the two had melded for the first time and were lying in each other's arm reveling in the feeling of _togetherness_. It was during that glow that Jim had told him that his form was beautiful.

'_its… like the clearest night sky, not quite like space, space is too empty to be compared to you… no, more like the… serenity of night…' he looked back into Spock's eyes, 'I don't know how to describe it… but I know it was beautiful….' _

If Jim had found Spock's form beautiful, then words could not describe how amazing it had been to see Jim's manifestation. If Spock was night, then Jim, his t'hy'la, was the sun.

Jim's form had glowed golden splendor, bright and warm. It was the most impeccable thing he had ever seen. The golden glow had flowed from Jim, enveloping Spock in such a strong love that he had never experienced before. Jim's face had been serene, a soft smile gracing his lips, and his eyes, the only things that did not turn gold, were overflowing with happiness. And love. Love for him. It was still a strange concept at the time, being the possessor of all of Jim's love. And it was perfect. As Jim was.

As Jim had been.

Jim's mind had once danced with colors, fields of golden wheat, blue expanses of sea, rolling green hills, white fluffy clouds, and inky black skies with stars so bright. His had been the most complex mind Spock had ever seen, whirling ideas, theories, thoughts, observations, and _emotions_ all coursing throughout Jim's core at all times. Of course Spock had caught glimpses of the terrors of Jim's past, but Jim had not opened that door to him yet. But now Spock feared that was all that was left.

For now there was only ice.

That was all Spock had left his beloved when he ended their bond.

So Spock began to walk, to search, needing a sign that Jim was still there, for that was all he could do.

oO_oOo_Oo

Suddenly, some of Jim's most terrible memories, some of his darkest thoughts, bombarded Spock like an icy wind as he attempted to see anything through the thick, oppressive fog that had settled across Jim's mind.

An onslaught of memories crashed into Spock who could see them as if he himself was experiencing it.

_He was sitting in the driver's seat of a car, a cliff fast approaching, a thought came, 'what if I just go over the side?'_

_Drip._

_He was yelling at Spock on the bridge during the Nero crisis 'I'm sorry, I'm so sorry' running through his mind. When the Vulcan hands wrapped around his neck a brief murmur of, 'I deserve this' came to mind._

Spock found it difficult to walk in a straight path.

_Drip._

_Young faces, too young for what their eyes had seen, stared at him. They needed him to be strong; they needed him to lead them._

_Drip._

Spock tried to shake the mental images and continue through the fog.

_A soul-shattering scream ripped through his throat._

Spock whipped sharply towards the noise, not knowing where exactly it had come from, when he saw a shadow flit through the mist. He attempted to pursue when another memory distracted him.

_Adrenalin coursed through his veins as he found a sadistic pleasure in taking down his enemy, they didn't see him as a threat, even though he was soaked in blood, his eyes crazed. They didn't see the small blade in his hands until it was too late. Of course, he was only a boy. What kind of threat could he be?_

_Drip. Drip._

Spock shivered but continued to stumble through the fog, pursuing the shadow.

_A menacing laugh filled the dark space, he tried to turn towards the voice, to face it head on, but the sickening sound surrounded him. A blade suddenly cut in to his skin, he gasped in shock._

_Drip. _

_His lungs burned and his legs ached as he ran silently through the night. Pain was futile, easily pushed back in to the corners of his mind. It did not matter. Not when his children were starving. He would take this pain and relish it, so they would never have to feel it._

Spock was running now too, his hand reaching for the shadow.

_Shame. Self-Loathing. Hatred for his own self. _

_pain… pain that he could not hold back filled his senses. It was his fault for what happened to his brother and mother and his self every night. It was his fault because he could never stop _him. _The monster who destroyed their lives. _

_Drip._

Spock whipped his head around sharply, searching for the maddening dripping noise. He was soon yanked in to another memory.

_Another roar of rage ripped from his hoarse throat as that __tyrant__ reached for one of his children. He would not lay a finger on them. He would bare the pain of torture for his children, he knew this kind of life. He could bare the pain. He made this very clear to the sick, twisted man. _

_His children would survive. Even if he would not._

_Drip. _

Spock was shaking with anger when he was released from the memory. Jim's anger had become his anger and he had to stop and cool his emotions before moving on. Spock couldn't help but feel dismayed at what Jim had kept from him for so long.

'T'hy'la why did you not allow me to assist you in conquering and dissolving these emotions?', his thoughts echoed, searching for an answer.

But Spock knew the answer before he had even thought the question, as illogical as that might be.

Jim had suffered through these emotions on his own when he originally encountered them. Knowing Jim the way he did, and knowing even more about him now, Spock knew that Jim would want to try to deal with them on his own. He never wanted to burden anyone else. He had always carried the pain on his own two shoulders, never slacking, and never letting anyone else carry the load. Jim had always thought of it as his burden to bear.

_Drip._

Spock felt like he would pull out his hair if that incessant dripping didn't stop. His control was utterly stripped away from James's emotions and he began to look around wildly.

Spock turned and caught a glimpse of the shadowy figure once again. He immediately pursued.

Menacing laughter echoed around him.

Spock was getting closer to the figure, he reached out his hand, desperately trying to grasp it.

Screams now joined the laughter, creating a bone-chilling duet.

Spock made a last minute decision and lunged for the figure, just as it turned to face him. The two both fall backwards and Spock finds himself on top of a young and frightened boy. The boy looked as if he was made from shadows, wispy and grey. And the boy held a knife.

Quickly the fear in the boy's eyes turned to rage and he pushed Spock off of him, surprising the Vulcan in to moving. The shadow person quickly scrambled to its feet to stand over Spock, eyes crazed and knife held out, pointing towards Spock's neck.

_Drip._

It was only then that Spock realized that the only color on the shadow boy was red.

Blood.

It covered the boy and the knife he held, now slowly dripping on to him.

Spock reached out his hand towards his t'hy'la, his Jim. But this Jim, this boy did not know him.

"Jim" the whispered name held so much emotion within it. Spock's eyes brimmed with hope, and longing, and shame, and fear. A desperate _'come back to me' _hung inbetween them. But the boy in front of Spock did not feel the longing, or hear the silent plea. His eyes were dead and cold, unseeing of Spock's own. All he could see was the horrors of his past.

Spock began to say more but the boy screamed and his arm swung down like a bloody scythe.

Spock closed his eyes.

And they shot open again as he gasped, hand clutching at his throat. He was back in Med Bay, sitting next to his beloved, his t'hy'la, Jim. All of his energy had been sapped out of him. How long had they been melded? Jim's eyes were now closed, head tilted away from Spock. A clear sign of mental rejection.

Spock rested his head down on the bed next to Jim's. He would not give up. Jim would survive. Even if he would not. He would fix his mistake no matter the cost to himself.

Drip.

Spock's head snapped upwards, eyes wide. But he was not met with a bloody knife, only an IV standing innocently next to Jim's bed. It was helping Jim, which was more than Spock could say.

And so he slowly laid his head back down on the bed. Letting himself slip in to the bowels of unconsciousness.

Drip. Drip.


	7. For you I shall Wake

**One year ago today I gave you all chapter 6... I am so sorry that I've been such a crazy bitch with updates, but hopefully you've all stuck around and will enjoy the final installment of "Clouded Eyes".**

**May I present, chapter seven,  
**

For you I shall Wake

Spock sat silently at Jim's bedside. His hands were folded perfectly across his lap and his eyes were closed in meditation. It did not come easy to his worried mind. The day had dawned, metaphorically, with no change to Jim's health and things never seemed this bleak to Spock. Meditation did not help soothe him. Being alone in his own mind was disorienting and fractured. Like looking in a mirror and seeing only half of oneself. A precious memory flitted across his mind; Jim had once told him of a curious ideal of the Ancient Greeks "_they thought that when the gods first made people they had two heads, four arms, and four legs. But the Gods were frightened of their power, so they were all pulled apart in equal halves. They were then forced to search the world for the other half of their souls." Jim looked up behind him where Spock was laying snug next to him, "I'm glad warp was created so I could find the other half of my soul."_

"_Yes Jim, humans reached warp for the soul purpose of bringing us together, I am certain." Spock deadpanned, but the side of his mouth quirked the tiniest bit to reveal his true amusement. He pulled the human tighter to his chest and murmured in his ear, "Even if warp was not reached by human kind, that would not keep me from finding you anyways. Nothing shall ever part us t'hy'la." _

He opened his eyes and looked down at his beloved, his carefully formed mask cracking. Spock knew that he needed to try once again to reach James, but could not move for the terrible guilt of what he had done that weighed on him. He felt a trail of coolness slide down his high cheekbones, followed by another and then another. Spock reached up his hand and found that he was crying. He had not cried in years. Not when his mother died, or when Vulcan was destroyed, but he cried for Jim, his t'hy'la. Spock steeled himself against the rush of misery. He could not give up on James, would not. Not now, not ever.

His breath shuddered as he gasped in, tears falling faster, his body shook and he curled in on himself feeling his grief flood over him once again. But he knew he should not weep. His beloved lay in the fiercest of pain by his side and he had to be strong. Stronger than he had ever been before, so he could pull them through this. Spock raised his shaking hand and reached for his t'hy'la. His fingertips had barely touched the cool skin when he tumbled into the other's mind.

Never had he seen a mind so dark.

It was like falling in to pure blackness, Spock thought distantly, everything was murky and dark, only the briefest of flashes of light lit the domineering darkness. Like lightning lit up the sky, beautiful and unobtainable, so did James' only saving grace, his achingly beautiful memories. Spock could barely orient his self with his surroundings as he made his way through a mind that he had once loved and cherished.

Icy tendrils of despair circled around him, climbing up his spectral form, weighing him down into the churning darkness. They curled and wrapped tightly around Spock's legs they slid over his skin as shudders racked his body. Spock frantically ripped at them, trying to tear them off of his skin, fear and horror consuming him. But the more he struggled, the more forceful the smoky black claws of ice became. Spock felt himself sinking into frothing black waters, no end in sight. He thrashed and pulled but it was inescapable. The claws became more solid as he slipped down, they were now hands instead of wisps, they slid over his skin and scratched down his back, the cold was permeating into his very being. With Spock's face barely above the water he took one last breath and closed his eyes.

And he slipped into a memory.

Ensign Chekov stared at the wall across from his bed. Just stared. His blankets were loosely clinging to his body, and dark circles stained his under eyes. He could not forget. He could not forget the eyes. Those horrible dead eyes. They stared at him every time that his own slipped shut. The dark corners in the room grew, they were reaching for him, they would take him away, they would make his eyes dead too!

Suddenly strong arms grasped him from behind and he shouted in fright. He whipped himself around, only to see his best friend, companion, and lover, Hikaru. He heaved a sigh of relief mixed with despair and melted into the arms that held him as tears began to rack his frame.

Hikaru looked down at the frightened young man in his arms and shook his head. He pulled the blankets tight around both of them and rubbed Pavel on the back. He rocked them as Pavel let his tears flow. Only when he was in Hikaru's arms was he strong enough to let free his emotions that welled up inside. Hikaru could barely understand what it would be like to find the Captain, to find Jim, such a well-loved friend and respected leader laying on the ground, skin growing cold, and his eyes full of death staring up at him. Hikaru could barely bare his own grief, but he knew he had comfort Pasha. What he, himself was going through was nothing compared to how his young lover must feel. But all he could do for now was hold him in his arms and whisper sweet nothings. He hoped Pavel would be able to sleep without nightmares. And hopefully that hope didn't make him a fool.

Leonard McCoy stared at his two best friends, a glass of bourbon in his hand as he leaned against the doorframe. He watched as Spock had tentatively placed his fingers on the cold skin of a once golden face. Jim never changed, never twitched, not even as Spock melted into his mind. After what had happened the first time, Bones half-expected something similar would happen in the second round. A simple, fast rejection from Jim, and devastation from Spock. The southern doctor deeply regretted not seeing Jim before alpha shift had begun. This could have all been avoided if he hadn't-

No.

He couldn't blame this on himself. Jim would never forgive him if he did. But then, whom would he accuse? Where would the blame be placed? It was getting easier and harder to blame Spock, he admitted to his crimes against his Captain, to his lover, his everything. How could anyone have done the things this man- this Vulcan- had done, to another, to one that he loved? But then he would go and do something like _that_, put his own mental stability at risk to try to save Jim form his own collapsing mind. He would sit by him for hours, a look of pure, heart wrenching, complete and total grief in his eyes. It would pull at his soul to watch Spock stay by Jim's side, refusing to eat or sleep, even when he was offered a cot to rest by his side.

Running his free hand through his hair, Bones sighed. If only he knew how to help, how to fix Jim's wounds.

But there's only so much a doctor can do.

Spock opened his eyes as he surfaced in the memory, gasping for air. When he could see, his eyes focused on the wispy, pale memory. A small boy stood on a beach. The boy was tiny and had light colored hair and the same wide smile that made Spock's soul ache. It was his beloved, his t'hy'la, Jim. He was fidgeting, obviously impatient as he waited for someone. A large, sturdy looking man approached him from behind, casting a long, ominous shadow over Jim's form. The young Jim turned to see the man. Jumping up and down he looked up at the man and asked, "Can we go in the water yet, Gaven?"

Spock's blood ran cold. This was the man. The man that destroyed everything for them.

But Spock could only watch as the horrible man picked up _his _Jim, swinging him around, smiling with a kind of savage spark in his eyes. And as he set down the young Jim his hands lingered on the slight body for a few seconds too long. His gaze a bit too intense. The man-no, monster- turned away, licking his lips, eyes blazing with lust. "Just go get your brother, Little Jimmy, and then we can get in." He turned back to Jim, a smile plastered on his face.

Spock tried to reach the beach, to warn Jim, to take him in his arms and never let go. But the tide held him back. Spock knew, logically, that he would never be able to get to the boy in the memory, he could never help this naïve, little boy, but he couldn't help but fight with everything he had.

Jim had come back by now, pulling an older boy, similar in stance and features who had less freckles dotting his skin and darker shaded hair. This must be Sam, the beloved brother and protector. James was shouting for Gaven to hurry.

Spock was still fighting the churning sea of memories as the scene panned out. The last thing Spock heard from the memory made him want to fling himself from the dark sea and tear that despicable man limb from limb.

" Only big boys swim with their trunks off…"

The sickening murk pulled Spock in once more, pressing into him, trying to suffocate him. He fought to regain control but the emotions and depression pulled and ripped at his form. Spock was being bombarded with memories and emotions and _feelings _and it was more than he could bear.

_He was staring at an old car, hands shaking, forehead broken out in a cold sweat, '.Iwannadie'_

Spock felt his own hands shaking as he grasped at the memory, carried away by the turbulent blackness. He barely gasped in a tear-filled breath as he was flung into the next memory.

_A fist came into sight too fast for his already spinning mind, catching him in the ribs._

_Gaven was kneeling over him spreading strawberry juice over his neck, tears running hot down his face as the smell constricted his air way, just enough to have him hyperventilating. _

_Dying inside, he found Sam with a razor to his wrist. _

Slices of pain seared through Spock's soul. He was descending farther into the abyss of darkness and he grew weaker with each memory.

_The grip the drugs had on him was suffocating, shooting through him, searing through his veins, he felt his heart pound faster and faster until he thought it would burst from his chest. _

Spock felt the tides of the water shift as he was pulled towards something new. It wasn't like the other memories; it was sharper, more vivid.

"_Get the hell out of this house." It was calm but biting, cold and controlled. Tarsus had taught him to wield his anger; he was the master of it now and used it to his advantage. "Leave. Now." He was holding a phaser to the evil man's face and it certainly wasn't set on 'stun'. Gaven turned his head and smiled menacingly at him, letting go of Winona's arm and raising his hands. _

"_Just remember Jimmy-boy," he glanced at the blood dripping down the side of his mouth, "you belong to me." And he left. Then Sam left. Then Winona left for space. And he was left in a big house with too many memories as with drawl still wracked through his veins. There was no escape. _

Spock began to shake under the weight of the memories.

Loneliness, despair, he felt them as intensely James felt them, ripping him apart as it had with Jim.

No escape. This was where he would die.

_Stone walls against his shredded and raw back, shackles piercing his skin, the only thing keeping him alive was the drugs. And his will. He needed to live, he could not fall not to the deepest pain or agony, and he would not so that his children would never feel the agony of the whip. He was tainted, bloodied, and monstrous, they alone must remain pure. He could not force his cries of pain and hatred away but he could keep them from this. _

It was colder now. It had seeped into his veins and all he could remember; all he could feel was pain- the smallest of motions was caught in the corner of is eye- but any movement at all was slow and stilted; a tingling numbness came from the smallest shift. Was this a memory? By now he could barely remember who he was, let alone distinguish memory from mindscape. And there it was again, in the corner of his eye. Something moving. All he wanted was to sleep, surrender to the plaguing memories. Let his soul leave this body and never return to his own. For if he returned the pain would too. Sleep and there would be no more pain. Close your eyes. Give in and sleep. Close your-

The thing moved again.

Something itched within him to turn, look at this object, let it be the last thing you see. The consciousness that was somewhat still Spock turned to see what was in this consuming blackness with him. His tired gaze found a beautifully tragic sight.

A young male- his age… older… younger… lay sprawled in the icy blackness. The pallor of his skin was a sickly grayish white, his frame naked, emaciated and lifeless. Ice and frost seemed to cover the male's entire form, etching icy designs across the delicate form. It dawned on him that he could hear ragged breath as he watched the almost-corpse. Something was important about this. A small flicker of recognition. Something he should remember. But why would he remember this male when he barely could recall that which was himself?

But he was drawn towards this man nevertheless. As he felt himself being carried towards the ice covered figure, he reached out in a dream-like state to gently the trembling form.

Heat seared through him, the figure flinching back. Sense came back to Spock and he almost wept as he realized he had finally found him, t'hy'la.

Jim.

McCoy rushed into his best friend's room, all of the machines were wailing, Spock was still within Jim's mind and he was collapsed over Jim. A nurse rushed in through the flurry and tried to pull him off.

"What the hell do you think you're doing?" he screamed at her, "Do you know _anything _about Vulcans? Don't pull them away when they're in another's mind!" he was red in the face as he pushed her away from the two lovers. Jim's heart was racing and Spock was beginning to shake.

_Dear God, what am I supposed to do?_

"James! T'hy'la! Please wake!" Spock tried to touch Jim once more but the slightly conscious James only pulled away from the rush of heat that ran through them at every touch. Spock reached out once more, his movements still difficult and stilted but no longer achingly slow, he was able to firmly grasp the frail arm of his beloved.

Jim thrashed as Spock pulled his frost covered body towards him. Maneuvering the panting and writhing James he caressed the face he loved. He needed to bring Jim back, return with him to the world they had built together. Spock grasped Jim's face with both hands, forcing him to stop his flailing. In a soft but commanding tone Spock called for his lover. "James."

His eyes shot open to stare directly into Spock's soul.

His eyes were grey.

Spock choked back a sob and Jim began to fight against the burn of Spock's touch against his icy and frosted skin.

"No. this isn't real. You're not here."The once beautiful blue eyes were welling with tears, "You don't love me; you don't love me, _youdon'tloveme._ Get away! Get away from me!" Jim began to claw at Spock as he tried to escape the Vulcan's strong grip. Thoughts and memories began to bombard them in a whirlwind of denial, hate, and distrust.

_Nobody loves you!_

_I couldn't save them…_

_SSSSTOP! Please- no! that's not right, what are you doing?_

A scream echoed around them and the wind grew stronger. Spock clung to the still thrashing James, trying to reach him.

_DON"T TOUCH ME!_

_Spock please…._

_I'll bet you never loved her!_

_echoing screams all around_

_he watched as the planet he once loved went up in flames._

'_We only found seven survivors…' _

_ The only useful thing you'll ever do is give up your body._

_YOU BELONG TO ME_

The wind now threatened to tear them apart but Spock gripped Jim's face once more, forcing the glossy grey to stare into his deep brown. "James, ayasha, I am here, you are loved and cherished. Come back to the world with me…" Spock cried out as he forced Jim's mangled memories away and brought forth his own.

_A warm wall of flesh crashed into Spock's side clutching his weak and battered form to their own. Spock looked down to see James holding him up, "You're alive" he whispered._

_Captain Kirk- Jim- turned sharply to look at him with an expression of disbelief on his face. "You just made a joke…"_

"_That would be Illogical." Spock turned to leave before the smallest of smiles became evident on his face._

_There hands grazed each over the chess board between them, Jim was three moves from checkmate and Spock was away only two. There eyes clashed in an intense battle rivaling the one on the board. _

_Spock watched amused as Jim stood enraptured with all the birds around them, he quickly turned to look at Spock eyes wide and child-like. "Could we-" _

"_No." _

"_But we could get an owl, and name it Hedwig! Send messages across the ship!"_

"_James."_

Jim stopped fighting, staring at this beautiful creature who was trying to prove that he was loved. Could it be true? Was there really a person out there who loved him?

_Lips crashed together in a hungry, brutal battle. Hands grasped in hair, Spock held Jim tightly to him, bodies molding and conforming to each other's. Jim reached up and whispered hotly in his ear, nibbling on the tip, "What the hell have you done to me?"_

_It's only three moths out of their first year together on the Enterprise when he quickly wraps his larger frame around Jim on Nexux II. Two point three seven seconds later a poison tipped arrow pierced his skin as James gaped at him. "You just saved me."_

_Spock wakes to find himself in the Medical Bay with minimal injuries left after a run in with smugglers. Jim walks in as he is cataloguing his remaining injuries and sits up to receive his captain. Instead, a slap sears across his face quickly followed by a pair of sweet demanding lips upon his own. Jim backs away, eyes angry and rimmed with red. "Don't ever do that to me again."_

_The only light in observation deck 5 spilled in from the milky stars of space as electric blue and warm brown eyes stared at each other. "You are sure?" Spock asked once again as he lifted his hand to the other man's psi points._

"_Yes. I'm sure, I've always been sure." Jim responded breathlessly. _

"_My mind to your mind" Jim closed his eyes._

_Love._

It was real. And he had had this with this man in front of him. Spock. The ice was melting away from his skin, cracking and chipping away.

"Spock!" Jim cried out with relief and gripped his love fiercely

"Please forgive me t'hy'la, I could have killed you." Spock looked away, "I do not deserve your forgiveness. I am despicable." Jim pulled Spock's moth to his, kissing him with a fiery passion.

" Do you love me? Forever?" Jim questioned

"Yes, of course with all of my katra, dear one." Spock replied, confused.

Jim caressed his face, gaze softening, "Then you are more than forgiven. Help me out of here?" he questioned, gripping Spock's hand in his own.

But then he noticed their surroundings. The cold, dark repressing sludge, the wicked whirlwind surrounding them, and the more he stared the looser his grip on Spock became. Spock again grappled for Jim to stay in his arms, but braving James' mind and bringing forth his own memories had taken much strength from him.

Spock would not this darkness conquer him. He would not let it steal James away form him. They were part of the same soul, they must never part again. Jim felt like he was being torn in two. If he didn't let Spock go he would die with him. He could not let this happen. His eyes welled with tears. They had just found each other once again and now Jim had to die.

"Spock! You have to let me go! You won't make it out if you don't leave now!" he roared over the howling winds and echoing screams, tears falling freely down his face.

"I will not leave you t'hy'la! We are one you MUST come with me!" Spock responded trying to grip the callused hands all the tighter. With a watery smile James pulled Spock in for one last kiss.

"I love you. Now and forever." And he let his hands slip from Spock's grip and was hurled into the black abyss.

Spock howled in pain as he was flung from James' mind, alone, alone, everything had been taken from him now.

Spock lurched up from his place at Jim's side to grasp his hands, the hideous sound of the heart monitors singular monotone beat pierced through Spock's soul. It was too late. McCoy was on the other side of the bed, fumbling to try to fix his friend, fix him like he had done so many times. But now there was no fixing. Jim was gone.

"no. No. NO!" Spock placed his hands at Jim's temple and heart.

Nothing.

It couldn't be true. Jim wasn't gone, how could he be? He needed James to be by his side, he didn't want to be alone. Spock's bent frame began to rack and shake as tears fell from his eyes. His beloved, his t'hy'la, his Jim was gone from him, forever.

His emotions flooded through him and the horrible sadness flowed off of him in waves. He would go and be with his beloved, he could not live with him. He had finally found sympathy for Romeo.

He distantly could hear the sobs of the doctor besides them. But a hand had reached up and was slowly trailing over his ebony hair. Spock looked up, in his grief he saw an angel, Jim smiling softly at him. His eyes blurred once more with tears. "Forgive me my angel." Spock whispered in Vulcan.

"I already forgave you, love." Spock looked up once more, the voice was so sharp and clear, could it be possible...

Golden skinned hands grasped the front of his shirt and dragged Spock's lips up to his. The kiss was powerful, full of love and desire and promise. Jim's lips smiled into the kiss, strong and unyielding. When at last they pulled apart. Spock gazed into his lover's eyes.

They were blue.

"I love you. Now and forever, t'hy'la."

END

**Thankyou again to all who have stuck with me and love this story as much as I do.**


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